I usually keep a generic Lindsay Lohan post on the ready. It’s like Mad Libs, but even sadder. So, today the Lindsay Lohan Lukewarm Mess Report is extra fun thanks to Asian royalty.
Lohan as due in court this morning, but didn’t show up. She was beckoned by the Prince of Brunei to come party in London. He must have been in charge of bringing the entertainment, but forgot until an hour before the party and ended up with the “Last Minute Special – Hoes That Will Do Anything for $10 and a Pack of Marlboro Lights.”
Her legal team managed to postpone the legal proceedings because the “investigation” into her assault of a psychic in da club wrecking her ho stroll is ongoing.
Meanwhile, Dina Lohan galloped over to NY Daily News like someone shouted “Last Call!” and started weaving a story about why Lindsay is a piñata full of coke, vodka and crazy.
Dina, a slender, 50-year-old former dancer, said: “Lindsay saw her dad abuse me — that’s why she’s so screwed up.”
The mom, who spent the holidays partying in London with her flame-haired daughter, said a family photo gave her the courage to finally share the abuse she allegedly endured during her marriage, which ended in divorce in 2007.
“Michael beat the hell out of me,” Dina said, of the 1986 incident memorialized in a family snapshot of the young mother holding her baby girl — Lindsay — while sporting a huge purple bruise under her right eye.
“When Lindsay saw the photo, she was furious,” said Dina. “She said, ‘Tell the world! Talk about it!’”
Dina also went out to divulge that Michael Lohan raped her while Lindsay, her brother and sister slept.
“He said, ‘I love you and I want to be with you,’ but then it went dark. It went dark really quick,” said Dina. She said Michael Lohan raped her as her children slept.
“[They] were sleeping, and I just knew I had to stay quiet — I don’t want to wake them,” she said.
When her parents came home later, they insisted Dina go to the hospital.
According to Nassau County Hospital medical records, Dina did go to the ER to report a rape. She was examined by doctors and her clothes and other evidence was gathered in a rape kit.
Notes on the report indicate doctors called the police and also a coalition for abused women.
Dina never pressed charges, she said, because once again, her husband was already on his way to jail.”
This is one of those things that comes out like a one-eyed Jack during a poker game. It’s well timed and it wins the pot so you can pay rent.
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